.Monday, July 21, 2008 ' 9:20 PM
Recently, a Penguin JC (PJC) - Lousy JC (LJC) exchange programme (PLEP) has been conducted with students from PJC visiting Lousy JC from Lousy Land. However, upon arrival, our students discovered that the LJC campus was empty. Not a single soul was in sight. After consulting the LJC Principal at his top secret lair cum headquarters for all special lousy operations which was situated under the LJC campus, it was found out that the students arrived at the wrong time. They were suppose to visit LJC on 21/07/08 or 8th July 2021 and not 21st July 2008.
Also, the reason for the campus being empty was that the LJC students were sent home for e-learning. This was due to a recent terrorist attack on Lousy Land's toilet bowl cleaner cum hotdog manufacturing factory. Thus the students were given detailed instructions to use the LousyNet and log onto their Lousy account to do work related to their Lousy courses.
However, when we visited some LJC students at their home, we discovered that most students were not doing their work. They have logged into their Lousy account to 'listen' to the Lousy lecture, but they were also talking on FUNS (Futuristic Useless Networking System) and playing computer games like DAR VI: The Ultimate Resurrection. (DAR stands for Delete and Restore).
"DAR is a very fun game, we get to delete all the useless software on our computers, such as the anti virus system and all the virtual programmes, then we 'try our best' to restore them," a happy student told our reporters.
However, there was also some students who were hard at work trying to finish the lousy homework. But their attempts were foiled because the Lousy homework is really LOUSY.
"Wah Lau the setter head got problem isit??? I do the mcq qn and all the one hundred and seventy five choices are wrong. So i cannot proceed cos the Lousy teacher set the paper such that we have to get the correct answer before proceeding. I have been stuck at this page for the past seventy-two hours, 35 minutes and 4 second. Angry la, LOL." a very very angry student told our reporters.
Due to the unstable situation in Lousy Land, the group of students, teachers and SML Times reporters involved in the PLEP are escorted back by the SML Rangers. SML Land will also not be conducting any exchange programmes till further notice.
.Sunday, July 20, 2008 ' 6:39 PM
Reporters have just found out that PJC(penguin junior college) issued Parent-teacher-meeting(PTM) notification forms to all those who had done badly for their midyear commontest. Since the notification has been sent, thousands of students have wrote in requesting for solutions on how to prevent their parents from meeting their teacher. To cope with the rising demand of solutions,(demand curve shifts right), sml experts have put their heads together(with super glue) and came up with these useful solutions:
1) The first step in preventing them from meeting is by not letting them know there is a PTM in the first place. As SML understands that the form requires a signature, we urge all those who needs forgery done to send their notification slips to SML headquaters so that our very own MR. Forger can forge your parents signature for you.
2)For those whose teachers are calling your parents, SML will redirect the call to our operators in india....rest assured that they will not try calling your parents anytime soon......
operator: "HELLO! welcome to ali baba curry house, may i take your order?"
teacher: "hello, is this mr XYZ? i'm ABC's student. I would like to speak to you regarding your son's results"
operator: "you not here to order curry chicken?"
teacher: "uh...no...i need to speak to you abt your son's results!"
operator: "but we have special offer today! buy two curry chicken get curry free!"
teacher: "................is it possible for you to come down to pjc for our parent teacher conference this friday?"
operator: "ok...i deliver your curry chicken to pjc....wait...pjc!? mumbai la...india india!"(hangs up)
teacher: "......"(stunned)
After cutting off any form of communication, SML times has also come out with excuses to tell your parents such that they would not see the need/too afraid to meet your teachers:
1) U stands for U ROCK
2) The teacher's breath stinks
3) Ranking points are the same as L1R5...LOOK! i'm consistent!
4) The best is yet to be ;P
5) i tell u hor, u wont want to see my teacher de...her eyes bajiao, nose crooked, teeth rotting, unshaved beard,11 fingers.....
And finally, you would have to explain to your teachers why your parents would not be able to/ does not want to attend the ptm:
1) My baba busy working at the curryhouse, he complain that recently got alot of prank calls
2) He said im very smart, i scored better than him
3) i dunno why, but after looking at your picture, they did not want to see you
4) They are only free on the 31st of feb
5) My mom does not like the idea of my dad meeting a female teacher....even if she was as ugly as you, no offence =D
p.s. enjoy! hope none of you did TOO badly for your midyears =D
.Monday, July 14, 2008 ' 9:48 PM
After 2 weeks, Miss MojojoAce the Short has finally agreed to share hand written records on her A Math TextBook. The records held valuable of our 'beloved' Charlie's words and advices on how to run a chocolate factory. We hope you 'enjoy' every bit of it, oh yes, yun pls wear a jacket and other winter clothings so that u wun freeze:
· Bless: -----bash
. God bless you: -----God bash you!!!
· Owe:----- own
· Purpose: -----purple
· Front: -----flan
· Shoelace: -----shoo-lay
· Product: -----po-duct
· Differentiate: -----different-sher
· Volume: -----vor-lim
· Rate: -----rage
dy/dx: ----- rage of change, roar!!!!!
· Accuracy: -----air-ker-ler-xi
· Medicine: -----mag-sen
· Sketch: -----scared
· Produce: -----pro-diu
· Erase: -----e-ray (some science-fic weapon of no distruction??)
· Significant: -----sag-ni-fi-cant
· Signature: -----sag-nature
· Main: -----mean
· Must: -----ma
· Origin: -----or-li-gene
· Women: -----wee-mean
· Chinese: -----chai-nee
· Use: -----you
· Angle: -----ango
· Plural: -----plu-ler
· Very: -----veli
· Help: -----hell
· Ruler: -----lu-ler
· September: -----sarp-tem-ber
· Perhaps: -----per-harp
· Disappointed: -----dis-pointed
· Discriminant: -----dis-criminal
· Tedious: -----tea-lious
· Theorem: -----tier-lerm
· Remainder: -----re-me-dear
· Whistle: -----weasel
· Cleanliness: -----clare-ni-ner
· Suppose: -----sar-po
· Vulgar: -----wow-gal
· Exponential: -----expo-ney-sher
· One: -----wang
· Miscellaneous: -----mi-say-lay-nia
· Student: -----stew-learn
· Factorize: -----factor-rai
· Because: -----be-core
· Never mind: -----na-mer-mind
· Acceleration: -----air-sir-ray-shien
· Yan ru: -----yan-lu
· Problem: -----plor-blem
· Maths: -----max
· Times: -----tams
· Substitution: -----sub-tiu-shien
· Parallel: -----pear-ler-re
.Friday, July 11, 2008 ' 10:22 PM
During a recent farewell ceremony, our reporter had a sudden inspiration on the different gifts people give each other. Thus he have decided to come up with a list of popular, cool, nice, funny, or just lame stuff for people to give each other.
1) Mug for the muggers
2) Cups for non muggers
3) all time favourite SML brand watches, clocks and other time piece
4) hearing aids
5) seeing aids
6) smelling aids
7) touching aids
8) tasting aids
9) Dummy's guide to understanding lameness
10) free movie tickets that has been expired for a day
11) toilet bowl
12) toilet (tjc J1 08 decided to give a toilet to tjc as a graduation presn)
13) automatic toilet cleaners (for rv)
14) Toilet paper
15) dustbins (tjco demand a dustbin to be placed right outside the co room!!)
16) pet cockroach
17) designer school uniforms
18) altered school ties and badges
19) empty MCs
20) limited edition excuses for ponning pe... eg. pet ant died, little finger pain, forgot to bring towel so cannot sweat etc etc
21) floppy disks
22) Pentium 1 computers
23) windows 1995 software
24) a key that cant open any lock
25) a lock with no key
26) a shoulder (not to cry on, but to erm... ... useless actually)
27) a promise of 'i try my best'
28) a chance to drink from a water cooler
29) a chance to be laughed at
30) a GOOD FREN (called alyo...)
Enjoy...
. ' 8:23 PM
Recently there have been trends of people receiving JCT results from their respectively institutes. After a interview with the principle of Penguin JC (PJC), we have found out some shocking news. It has been noted that only 2% of the J1 level passed one or more of their triple sciences. This is especially shocking as PJC students are known to be top scorers in SML Land. Their results in Maths and language were slightly better with 5% of the cohort passing.
After detailed analyse of the students, it has been found out htat the students who did well for their tests all seemed to share similar trends. Thus SML Times have come up with 5 tips to how to do well for your exams and tests:
Tip 1
Be a loner. Do not get me wrong, but you still have to maintain some degree of contact with your peers so that you can do well for your PW and can correctly get all important announcements made to you. However, at other times try not to hang out with your classmates much. CCA mates are better as their are seniors who can help you with your studies.
Tip 2
Do not under any case, decide to mug with your classmates. Here is a typical scenario of mugging session among students of the same class.
A: everyone, lets mug...B: ok, every one quiet....C: shhhhhhhhh!D: shhhhhh, dun shhhhh or everyone will wan go toilet den we cant mugA: hahahahahaC: shhhhh dun laugh!!!B: btw have everyone herd of the new song by SUN called 'shh haha shh haha'??D: yeah yeah its super nice laA: and the guy damn cute laC: yeah lor yeah lor he very the... ......------an hour later--------B: the food from that store super nice lorC: i like the fishball noodles alot...A: hey we late for PE liao, better get changing.....E: hey guys. so how have your mugging section been? i manage to cover e whole phy section on morphing and transformation.A,B,C,D: ... ...Tip 3
Pay attention in class and lecture (to the lecturer or teacher or whoever you are suppose to be listening to, not other students or weird teachers walking around the LT trying to distract you) It really helps as you can grasp alot of information which when you ask your frens they will say "he got say meh??"
Tip 4
Join a performing arts CCA or any CCA that you get to seat on a chair near your bag and lag for a considerable amount of time. If you are not in such a CCA, quit your current CCA and join one now. If you cant, too bad. This kind of CCA gives you alot of time to take out your notes to study and do homework. It is especially helpful if you have a test the very next day. However, it is highly not advisable to start studying for a test 3 days before it.
Tip 5
Practise practise practise... Practice makes perfect, i learnt this through math test. Some more more practice increase the range of questions you encounter for different topics, and there are scientific proof (SML scientists of course) that more practise can help you reduce random error, parallax error and most importantly, human error like carelessness.
Additional tip
Be happy and sleep early every night so that you can be fully awake the next day for lessons. And try not to waste your attention capacity during lecture waking your classmates up.
SML Times hope all readers will study hard and prevent the same incident that happened in PJC to happen again. Good luck!!!!!
