A police car was seen parked out side Penguin High School on 24th January 2008 at 2359hrs. Just a few hours before this incident, fireworks were seen shooting out from Penguin High Schools classrooms. There was also the unmistakeable sound of fire crackers.

A woman by the name of Woncee was arrested by the police. According to the police, Woncee was playing with fire crackers and fire works that night in the classrooms, without lighting a bonfire in the classroom, which was a direct violation to SML Law, Section 1.2.4.6.8, Line 1234---firecrackers and fire works cannot be played together inside a classroom at the same time, unless a bonfire is lighted in the classroom.

Woncee told our reporters that she has decided to light fire crackers and fire works in the classroom because she has lost a bet with her students that if everyone of the students get A9 for OLL Hydro ChLoroflication (HCL) examination, she will play with fire crackers and fire works in the classroom. In the end, all the students received an A9.

However, the students stole all the firewood, thus Woncee could not light a bonfire. Having no choice, Woncee had to violate the law in order to satisfy her students.

Woncee was sentenced to 1 day jail in the Super Court. However, Woncee has already appealled for a lighter sentence as she has just become a mother to a new born child. The Super Court's judges are considering her appeal.

An old old old old old young girl has called the SML Times to warn people about a new computer virus that has been infecting her computer and the computer's family and friends. This virus has been named as the 180 Degrees Virus, named so because it turns the image on the computer's monitor screen 180 degrees, which causes severe difficulty in reading.

SML Computer Company (SMLCC), has advised all computers contacted with this virus to be quarantined so that the virus will not spread to other computers via air borne spores or physical contact. It is known that this kind of virus has the capability to be spread through human carriers. The virus enters the humans blood when the human has physical contact with the computer. Then, the computers the marked human touch later will also be infected with the virus. It is known that the virus does not have any effects on the human carrier, it only affects computers.

Mean while, SMLCC experts have suggested several ways to temporary solve the problem caused by the computer. They are listed as follow:

1) Turn your computer screen 180 degrees
2) Stick your chair to the roof, then glue your butt to the chair
3) Wear inverted glasses
4) Use a converging lens to invert the image on the screen
5) Throw your computer down from 100m
6) Whack your computer with newspaper
7) Whack your computer with your hand
8) Whack your computer with a hammer
9) Whack your computer with a hand grenade
10) Whack your computer with an atomic bomb
11) Buy a new computer.

We hope SML Land residents will work together to help fight this virus and stop the endless infection. Now an improved version of the well known PCK song on SARS:

180 is a virus, i wan to minus
No more surprises, so just
Use your brain use your brain use your brain!!!

Received your OLL results? Thinking of which JC to go to? Think no more, the choice is clear... ... introducing the Penguin JC!!!

Penguin JC aims to develope a students skills in laming, reacting lamely to critical situation, solve lame problems... ... so on... ... The various courses offered by the JC are listed below:

H1 (Hardness level 1) subjects
1) Pop culture English
2) Current affairs from the Internet
3) Super High (and long) Mother's Tongue
4) Even Higher (and longer) Father's Tongue

H2 (Hardness level 2) subjects
1) Reverse physics (where all laws of physics are reversed)
2) PhyChemistry (a combination of phys and chemistry to help you study the chemistry between every day phenomenas)
3) BIOlogy (Basic IdOitism study)
4) Literature in England
5) Literature in China
6) Literature in Malaysia
7) Literature in India
8) Literature in some European Country
9) Literature from outer space

H3 (Hardness level 3) subjects
1) CAI (Crime and investigation with Mr SMLock Holmes)
2) UL (Ultimate Laming)
3) Henshin (Learn to henshin into a Rider, Ranger, Sazer, Kendo or anything you want)
4) Eating
5) Talking
6) Polar Bear Hunting
7) Swimming in solid water at low pressure

All students are required to take at least 3 H3 subjects, and 1 H2 subjects. Students that are able to proof themselves able to cope with their studies will be allow to take H1 subjects.

Also, Penguin JC offers entertaining Physical Education (PE) lessons such as billiard, pool, snooker, 8-Ball, 9-Ball, Hitting Balls on a table with sticks into holes, and other games that require sticks, balls and tables with holes. This PE lessons allow students to get physically fit for their NAPHA Examination (especially the written paper) while enjoying themselves in the game.

Consider no more, join Penguin JC NOW:)))))))))))))))

Labels: Classified Ads

On 24 January 2008, a group of students (a very very very large group) wearing the outdated uniform for SML High School is seen entering the school. They were seen heading towards the hall of the school and seating down to listen to a mysterious briefing.

According to the principal, this group of students are receiving their OLL (Ordinary Laming Level) Examination results. Shortly after 2.00pm, the students were seen doing one of three distinct actions.

The first was to do the 'Y' stance and shout the words 'Ya-Ta' as loud as possible. When our reporters asked one student why he has done this action, he told us that he has received a L2R6 of 72 for laming, getting A9 for each of his sub-laming subjects, and will thus be able to enter one of the top Laming JCs in SML Land.

The second action was to allow a rain cloud to shower on the person without using an umbrella or raincoat. When asked why this happened, the wet students say that their L2R6 of 8 will only allow them to secure an important job like being a president or minister of a country outside SML Land. They will not be able to further their studies in SML Land and will be forced to migrate outside SML Land on scholarships.

The third action is to ask a short and simple question-'Huh, wad is this?' This group of students whom did this action asked us what the piece of paper given to them was for. When they finally understand what the important piece of paper was for, they asked us what OLL Examination was for. When our reporters finishing explaining what the OLL was, they ask us when they can take the examination.

What ever the results is, one thing is for sure --- SML Times wish you all the best with your olevel results and... ... dun forget to smile:)

Below is a conversion for all your grades.

For those high achievers or those who want to cry over their results:

A: Acceptable
B: Brain not in use.
C: Cannot think
D: Dumb-dumb
E: E-diot

For those who want to feel better:

A: A miracle
B: Best I can do.
C: Can lah
D: Don't worry, be happy.
E: E8--> Eight8--> 88--> Huat ah! Have a prosperous Chinese New Year!

For those who simply don't care about their results:

A: Heck
B: Heck
C: Heck
D: Heck
E: Heck lah

Labels: results

whether things go right or wrong, remember that all that happens for a reason.
rather, seize the moment and make the best out of it.
carpe diem!

so, SMILLEEEE :DDDD

O LEVEL RESULTS ARE GONNA BE RELEASED TODAY SO,
ALL THE BEST TO EVERYONE.

AND JUST WANNA SAY THAT I LOVE YOU ALLLLLL! :D

Labels: o level, release, results

A recent survey showed that 101% of 2008 JC1 students are suffering from nervous breakdown. SML Times conducted the survey yesterday at Penguin JC. The students told our reporters that they are very stressed because they will be receiving their GCE 'O' level results soon. Some of the students even suffer from stomcah ache (*cover tooth), headache (*cover stomach) and toothache (*cover forehead). One student even demonstrated to our reporter that his whole body pain, by using his right forefinger to poke various parts of his body.

However, Penguin JC's principle cum vice principle cum head of arts cum head of sciences cum head of physical training cum canteen stall operator cum toilet cleaner cum student, Mr Lin Bei, told our reporter ," This is nonsense, the students dun suffer from any headache, stomachache, toothache or whole bidy pain. Its only their dhand pain so they use various parts of their body to cover their hand. They received this hand-ache due to writing too much during their o level examination for English, Mother Tongue, Math, A Math, Physics, Biology, Chemistry, Social Studies, Elective Geog/Hist/E Lit/C Lit/M Lit/T Lit, and pure humanities. So is not olevel result coming out make them have this pain de."

However, Mr Lin Bei's argument is not very convicing as there is no proof. Also, other that even if he did have proof, he also did not explain how his proof actually link to his argument. Thus he is advised to use the burger model to help him rewrite his argument. (GP Stuff)

SML Times reporters has also found out some interesting ways in which the students try to keep calm. This include reading books, watching television, watching movies, sleeping, eating doing homework and reading textbooks.

There were alos students doing the traditional way of keeping calm, such as telling lame, sick, dirty and cold joke, revising their olevel papers and looking out for their mistakes, toking with friends about the olevel results, sharing tales on the bad outcome to those who did not get L1R5 6 for their olevel... ... and the lists go on.

*please note any typo, spelling mistake, error in spelling, wrong configuration of words, incorrect spelling, unusual way to write a word, lousy spelling and anything wrong is caused purely by the writers nervous sate of mind when writing this article*

Nervous because thur is coming?
Afraid of ur o level results?

fear not... ...

we will make u more nervous... ...

Introducing the ... ... De Stress Association (DSA)

Here is what they can do to help u pass ur time til thur 2pm:
1. Smack u
2. Beat u up
3. Suan u with good past year L1R5 grades
4. Make u nervous with lousy past year L1R5 grades
5. Tok abt common mistakes ppl make in the 2007 olevel papers with u
6. Tok abt the strict marking standards with u
7. Tok abt the outcome if ur results are v lousy
8. Act nervous so that u will be influenced

This are just some of the things the DSA will do to help u pass this waiting period.
To contact them, please call he DSA hotline 1800-DSA-55555555555555555555

Labels: Classified Ads

a new term i learned recently: carpe diem
meaning: seize the moment

how meaningful.(:

SML Waltz competition!!!
In order to celebrate the arrival of ex Santa CLAWS aka current ChaiShenYe, SML Land is holding a waltz competition. The competition is divided into the following categories:

1.Classic Waltz
2.Modern Waltz
3.Bumper Waltz
4.Waltz-Do
5.Suicide Waltz

If you are interested, please approach the SML Dance Universe (DU) officers and sign up with ur partner. U are allow to join in as many categories as u wish to. However, please note that you muz dance through the whole song in order to qualify for each category.

Labels: Classified Ads

The SML Times Airport has finally been opened. Tourists are finally able to visit the famous land after years of waiting. The airport consists of three terminals, which are fitted with $801 chairs to make travellers fell comfortable. Also, foreigners are finally allowed to migrate into SML Land, as the SML Government has discovered that the SML Population is falling due to the attack of the FCC and FChoc.

A list of where the celebrities and their addresses will be listed so that it will make stalking them easier.

1. ChairMan Mao, address - 5 My Road, SML 555555
2. Fingersmith, address - 9 Road of No Return, SML 913913
3. Jaguar Warrior, address - 3 Yellow Fountain Road, SML 315315
4. God, address - 0 Holy Road, SML 000000
5. God Goat, address - 1 Holy farm, SML 111111
6. Fashion Hero, address - 2 Fashion Road, SML 222222
7. Godzilla, gorilla and banana sisters, address - 3 Monkey Road, SML 333333
8. Pee, address - 4 Toilet Road, SML 444444
9. Tattoo Mole, address - 6 Tattoo Road, SML 666666
10. Sweet and Candy, address - 7 Candy Empire Road, SML 777777
11. Yun, address - 8 Cloud Road, SML 888888

Here is the instructions on how to migrate to SML Land:

Step 1, cross the long gou tt surround SML Land in anyway u wan to, swim, jump, surf, fly... ...
Step 2, go to the SML Illegal Immigrant Office (IIO)
Step 3, get urself unillegalized by toking to the nice and friendly IIO officer.

U r now a part of SML Land.

From the SML Temple:

Note to all who have the 11 amulets (which means the rest of you can stop reading now), we're terribly sorry for leaving out the instructions on using the amulets. We had only just found out when a few people started spamming us via the phone & e-mail.(spammers stop now please) We have now advertised the instructions below only on SML Times:

1. Get a set of fashionable clothes and wash it in the washing machine together with the amulet for about 1 hour. Do not add any water or detergent.
2. Dry the clothes & amulet (if it has survived the wash) in the oven at 500 degrees Celsius.
3. Wear the set of clothes for 1 week. Do not bathe or wash the clothes else this won't work.
4. Place the amulet (or whatever remains of it) near an open window. Burn it (or the remains) after the 1 week.
5. Now you can bathe.

We hope this has enlighted the owners of the amulets (who isn't you) and has helped to add at least 2 points to your L1R5.

Attention: Make sure the clothes are fashionable. And spammers, please stop now.

Labels: Classified Ads

No matter what your feelings are after you get your 'O' level results, be it like this...







... like this ...

... or this, ...

... accept what already is and HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!

(Sorry for the bad B&W drawings, i tried my best - at least they're better than the photo of Santa Claws & Lau Ang Kou)

Labels: Comics

A girl was seen joining 6.02 x 10^23 cca last week. When SML Times reporter asked her why has she decided to join so many cca, she told us that because she keep forgotting the avergadros constand in Chemistry, she has decided to join this number of ccas to help her remember this number.

'I joined touch rugby, dance, ninja-do, taekwando, judo, akido, fencing, riding, CLDDS, MLDDS, TLDDS, ELDDS, GreekLDDS, FrenchLDDS, LAME CLUB, LCC, Pick up ball club, CCT, Maple club, Hacking club, BRIDGE Club... ...., i join all cca except Chemistry club', the girl told us.

According to SML Law, anybody can join up to 9.99 x 10^ 23 ccas, and he can join more when he apply for special licence. However, from the current survey done by SML Times reporters, NORMAL ppl usually join one to two ccas, onli special ppl (require special attention that type) join 6.02 x 10^23 ccas.

There are also cases where ppl have decided to not join any ccas til further notice, this type of ppl are classified as having joined the CPC (CCA Poning Club).

A new cca has been add to all the schools in SML Land, introducing the... ...
LAME CLUB!!!!!!

this is wad u do in this club
-break ppl's leg so they become lame
-tell lame joke
-tell sick and lame joke
-tell sick, cold and lame joke
-tell sick, cold, dirty and lame joke
-shoot down alien space craft so SHIM cant go home
-laming

and here is the password tp join the club:

Pnce there was a boy named Joke, he fell in to a pool of mud in winter, breaking his leg and catching the cold at the same time, thus he became a sick, cold, dirty and lame Joke.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Labels: Classified Ads

there has a been a recent trend of teens not knowing what CCA to choose for PAE.
PRESENTING THE NEW CCAs SML-times have opened up for LoST and ConFused teens

FIRSTLY, there is de LOST and CONFUSED CLUB (LCC):
students are required to train on their act blur skill. This cca is perfect for sotongs like pc!

For ppl who are interested in sports, there is the PICK-UP-BALL game:
during cca days, students are allowed to co-operate with other SPORTS ccas!! they will have to be stationed outside the playing area and pick up balls!!!

those that are interested in PERFORMING ARTS can join de CCT(curtain control team):
nothing to say...damn lame


anyone interested in the abv ccas can call sml hot line at 1800 555 55555555555555

Labels: Classified Ads

Worried about your exam results?

Don't fret, cause we are giving away lucky amulets absolutely FREE!

These amulets are guaranteed to add at least 2 points to your L1R5!
Hurry down to the temple at Fashion Drive to collect your amulet. (there is only 1 at the temple, so move your butt now!)
Alternatively, you may go to smltemple@fashiondrive.com to print your amulets.

Terms& conditions:

1. Amulets printed after the 1st 10 will not work.
2. If the amulet is not collected by anyone after your results are made known, it will be incinerated by Jaguar in the SML incineration plant
   

Please e-mail us at smltempleatfashiondrive@gmail.com should you have any queries.

Labels: Classified Ads

LALALALALLALALALALAAAAAAAA
SOMEONE PLEASE POST ):
I'VE RUN OUT OF CREATIVE JUICE (*wrings brain)

hahaha okay that was some random post :P

hope everyone's adjusting into their jcs happily.
4E ROCK ON FOREVER!

The famous SML Land detective SMLock Holmes has been deployed to investigate, find out and expose the secret identity of SHIM, a mysterious viewer of SML Times blog. SMLock Holmes was seen posting his 1st official request to ask SHIM for his/her/its secret identity.

It has been understood that SHIM has been viewing the SML Times blog for a period of time now, although the excate time he/she/it started visiting the blog is unknown.

Other than Mr SMLock Holmes, a number of people, including Jaguar, Chicken, Ken (aka king kong/ fingersmith), candy and yun had asked SHIM for his/her/its secret identity. It is hoped that the people of SML Land will one day noe the true name and origin of this person.

SML Times reporter, along with the people of SML Police, SML ranger, SML Jail wardens, SML Shopping Mall, SML Hospital, SML Dog Food company... ... and SML Land's president cum prime minister cum ministry of health, defence, education, environment, crapping, laming... ... has all wished Mr SMLock Holmes good luck on his quest to find out SHIM's true identity.

the photo WITH santa's very own signature orh!!!!

SANTA WAS SPOTTED YESTERDAY IN SML LAND!!
According to our sources, santa was first spotted at ntuc fairprice where he tried to bargain for chocolate money. An angry NTUC cashier told us that the usual price for a packet ot the chocolate mony was arnd 2 dollars and santa wanted to get it for 50cents! after having his offer rejected, santa threw a tantrum and let his reindeers trample the cashier before koping all the chocolate candy in the store and riding to his second destination

A middle-aged man. Lau Ang Kou, told sml reporters that he saw santa in chinatown buying a new robe and a black hat at around 3pm yesterday.

"he dam stylo man....i even took a picture wif him and made him signed it."

(our colleagues are currently printing the scanning the picture)
[OI SOMEONE DRAW SANTA AND LAUANGKO PLZ, i lousy at drawing!!]

At around 6pm, santa was spotted again at orchard road. However his motive for visitng orchard has remained unknown. SML has reported multiple stories some saying he went for a shave and getting his hair dyed black at lucky plaza, some saying that he went into takashiyama to buy a new PS3 to play at home when he bo liao and also some saying he went to a study center there for chinese tuition. However, we know one thing is for sure...SANTA is preparing for the CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!

too be continued....

ATTENTION ALL SML READERS!!
sml reporters have found out from one of the elves at the north pole that SANTA is coming to town again!!
it is rumoured that santa is going to make up for that HORRIBLE christmas!
our source has told us that this time he will ALSO be dressed in red but he will be known as CHAISHENYEA. He will be distributing chocolate money to all those living in SML-land, so please....keep a lookout for santa aka chaishenyea....
updates soon!!!!

An old auntie was seen taken o the SML Execution Playground to be killed today. Before her death by drinking liquid nitrogen, she screamed "those ppl so noisy, so i killed the Principal ma, lol, like this oso muz be executed.

Upon investigation by SML Reporters, this old auntie named Lao An Tee, murdered the Joker Senior Collegue's (JSC) principal and was thus sentenced to death. (one second of silence pls!)

It was known that JSC was holding is daily orientation programme, Lao An Tee, who lived near the school, complained that the students always attempt to wake her up from her morning nap by doing cheers. The cheers were loud enough to create echos as the sound bounced off the walls of the flats near the school. This echo disturbed Lao An Tee greatly, and she was unable to have a good morning's sleep. Thus, Lao An Tee decided to murder the JSC's principal as revenge.

The murder was done in the school's air-conditioned toilet. The principal, Mr Xiao Zhang, was knocked out with a soft toy when he went to the toilet to eat his lunch from his lunch box. he was then brutally poked by Lao An Tee with her finger until he died.

Lao An Tee attempted to escape the school, but triggered the 1036254946293693 alarms put around the school, which notified he SMLP, leading to her arrest. She was trialed immediately and then sentenced to death.

According to SML Law, those who murder others by poking will be execution by drinking liquid helium, however, due to the current helium shortage crisis, liquid nitrogen was used in this execution.

The SML Times reporters has conducted a survey on the public's view on Chinese New Year. A 'Most wanted' shopping list has been created from the data we have gathered. This shopping list will help you do your CNY shopping better.

-Lucky broomstick, you use this broom stick to sweep the house on CNY so the house will remain clean!!
-Rubber (brand name and material) knife, as u noe, red is a symbol of luck. Use this knife to cut yourself so that you get lots of red!!
-Black packet. forget the traditional red packet, when Santa accidentally burnt a red packet factory, this black packet is created. U can use it to give $$ to ppl.
-Fake Gold (brand name and material) Mouse, this Real Fake gold mouse is made of Fake Real gold. Give it to your fake good friends or real fake friends as the Year of the Mouse/Mice/Rat/Rodent approaches.
-Number asking machine(NAM), chio bu sitting beside u? wan her number? dun dare ask? This machine will get the job done.
-Lucky Red Clock, give this clock to your best friend and wish him/her/it a happy CNY.

And many more... ... will be updated when new merchandise come out!!

Labels: Classified Ads

SML times is in need of ppl to post on this blog
ANYONE interesting who is interested and has interesting news that would interest SML readers can call SML frontdesk at 62353535
our staff will then give u security clearance to post on this blog
ur contribution is greatly appreciated!

Labels: Classified Ads

The vote results on who is the actual hero is has come out!!!!!

-Red Spade Ranger has received ZERO votes cos no one like him.
-Ninja has received ZERO votes as those who tried to vote for him had their phone stolen by Red Spade Ranger
-SML Samurai has received ZERO votes as our SML Judge lost his phone.

Due to this draw, none of the three constants is chosen as the hero. Instead, fashion hero will be the hero.
LOL!!!!!!!

Labels: Classified Ads

A timeless creation by Jaguar Warrior, Miao, KK Fingersmith and perhaps Keith(?). SML Online is the online version of the famous SML Times and Revivals which was usually written on discarded foolscap paper backs. No matter what, it is still out to brighten its faithful readers' day and let everyone have a good(lame) laugh. Yup, ITS BACK AGAIN!! But this time round, we're bringing sexy back. Yeah dude. It's all cool (cause of the lameness? i donch know).

#1 Sheng Hui
#2 Hannah
#3 Yanting
#4 Gao Han
#5 Xiaoyun
#6 Jiang Wei
#7 Chou Yin
#8 Tiantian
#9 Yu Xian
#10 Yizhu
#11 Evonne
#12 Yu Hui
#13 Jolene
#14 Shao Yue
#15 Yan Ru
#16 Tang Ni
#17 Pei Chan
#18 Xiaomeng
#19 Zhixuan
#20 Candy
#21 Yijiu
#22 Fanghui
#23 Yixin
#24 Zhou You
#25 Chen Xiao
#26 Zhenyu
#27 Naisheng
#28 Binxing
#29 Kenneth
#30 Hiok Yang
#31 Hong Kuang
#32 Zhi Hao
#33 Ming Hao
#34 Jing Chuen
#35 Yang Jin
#36 Jingwei
#37 Zheheng

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

CRAPPING CORNER

LAMERS

fanghui
hannah
kenneth
xiaomeng
xiaoyun
yanru
friend

Archives

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SML TIMES ONLINE DEISGNS(: